


This would be my last confession (I love you never felt like any blessing)

by Savannah_Sturm



Category: Arrow (TV 2012)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Friendship, all tears and all that jazz
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-16
Updated: 2014-12-16
Packaged: 2018-03-01 19:23:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,989
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2784824
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Savannah_Sturm/pseuds/Savannah_Sturm
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Felicity's reaction to Oliver's death</p>
            </blockquote>





	This would be my last confession (I love you never felt like any blessing)

The new lair had never felt like home before, but suddenly it was the only place she could imagine herself in. The place that felt safe. Where she could try to keep her mind occupied.  
His smell still lingering in the air, giving her the illusion she could just turn her head around and see him hopping off the stairs.  
It just felt a lot colder than it has been, despite no air could be coming from outside.  
Maybe the heating system is not working. Maybe she should check if something’s wrong.

She tried calling his phone again. Another time it goes to voicemail.  
She knows he won’t be answering it if he’s fighting for his life. Or maybe if he lost it during the journey, or maybe the battery just died, of course the cellular line won’t be a priority for the league of Assassins.  
It has been almost ten hours since he left, and he should be finished by now.

She doesn’t seem to be able to just stay still. Running searches, pacing around, keeping an eye on the news. John left to go home to Lyla and Sara and then came back, supposedly to keep an eye on her. Roy is coming back and forth, trying to keep Thea from searching for her brother.  
She can feel both of them watching her, phone on her hands, bottom lip between her teeth, not even trying to conceal her worry.  
They didn’t even try to make small talk, to lighten the mood, as if it was even possible. Everyone lost in their thought about their friend, hoping to see his face or hear his voice soon.

Felicity had just putted down her phone and turned her attention to a beep coming from the computer when she is startled by the sound of a ringtone.  
She turns to the left. But her phone is silent.  
Suddenly Digg is rising from the chair he’s sitting in. Roy follows his movements like a hawk.  
It could be Lyla but it seems very strange since he got off from the phone with her less than twenty minutes ago, reassuring her there has been no news.  
She can see the nervous twitch of Digg’s eyebrow while he’s approaching his phone.  
He answers it and his expression changes. He tries to cover it, but that split second is enough.  
He starts to pace around the room, just like she was less then five minutes ago. His voice seems angry but it’s just above a whisper.  
She meets Roy’s eyes and she can see his resignation, fear dominating his heart.  
She manages to smile at him, not even knowing how. She meant for it to give a reassuring feeling, but Roy’s expression doesn’t change. If anything, it gets darker.  
But he can’t be sure, though. And it can’t be true.  
Suddenly a shiver runs through her, and she knows that the cold she’s been feeling is not related to the weather, neither can be fixed through the heating system.

It feels like an hour but probably it was just minute. She’s not even counting anymore.  
Digg puts his phone in his pocket and he’s moving. He’s not looking at them.  
She doesn’t have the strength to ask. So Roy starts:  
“Hey man.. who was-“ but he doesn’t get to finish his sentence.  
“Sorry guys it was Lyla. Says she needs me at home for a while. I- I’ll be back as soon as I can.”  
He then turns to Felicity and leaves a kiss on her cheek. She doesn’t look him in the eyes.  
When he leaves, wind comes through the open door.  
But she doesn’t even flinch when it comes in, making the room even colder.

Suddenly Roy gets near her and says that he should head out getting some dinner.  
He’s starting to get hungry, and even more than that, he seems impatient. He wants to be alone. And she can’t blame him. She would really love to be alone right now.  
“What about chinese?”  
“Hm-m. Sounds good.”  
She goes sitting on her chair after he leaves, reaching for her phone.  
Nothing, not one call.  
She’s tempted to call Lyla because something seemed very off about the way John practically ran off. But at the same time she’s too afraid of what she might hear.  
And she doesn’t think she would be able to hear her voce without breaking. For once in her life she would be very pleased at her suppositions being proved wrong.

She’s very tired. She’s so tired she can’t even keep her eyes open.  
She looks at her shoes on the ground near her and then turns to the bed she bought for him while he was practically living here.  
It seems so inviting, trying to sleep and being surrounded by the shadow of his presence.  
She gets up from the chair and sits on the bed. She feels comfortable, even now.  
Sleeping feels impossible, but at least she could try to rest her eyes, just for a little bit.  
Throwing the covers over herself, trying to find some relief from this damn cold, the illusion comes back in full force.  
It’s like he’s there, like he never left.  
Like he never declared her love for her with the most earnest look she ever saw since the day they met. He was almost smiling, despite everything. He didn’t smile that often, she thought.  
And like the fact that she couldn’t bring herself to say it back never happened.  
Because she never wanted it to be like that.  
She never wanted for her ‘I love you’ to mean a separation. To mean uncertainty and remorse. She wanted it to mean joy, to mean hope, to mean a new beginning together.  
But that didn’t happen. With his declaration he didn’t mean any of that.  
Maybe she thought she would have made him smile again when he came back.

When she hears the door opening she keeps her eyes closed.  
Until she opens them, she can always imagine that he came back.  
He will stand there, bruised and battered but with that victorious smug she has seen so many times before. 

“Felicity…”  
Her heart stills, and she lets out the breath she didn’t knew she was holding. Because even thought it felt like an eternity, not that much time had passed.

She opens her eyes. Her mouth drops when she sees Diggle, because he’s not alone.  
Roy is on his left, looking down. It seems like he’s been crying.  
And then on his right, in all her majesty, there’s Nyssa Al Ghul.  
She doesn’t have that arrogant look on her face that is just so typical of her.  
She almost seems shy, but she’s looking at Felicity directly. She doesn’t say anything though.

“What are you doing here? Where is he?” her voice cracks. “Where is he John?”  
Digg looks her in the eyes and she knows. Roy  
“He didn’t make it, honey… He’s not coming back”  
“W-what?”  
It feels like all the air leaves her lungs all at once.  
She can feel the tears forming in her eyes.  
She tries to take a deep breath. She can’t.  
In the corner of her eye she sees Jon and Roy try to get near her, their arms open. But she can’t. She just can’t be comforted right now.  
It feels like falling.  
She opens the nearest door and as soon as she enters the bathroom her legs give out.

There’s a piercing noise filling her ears, and it takes a minute to understand that they’re coming from her. But she’s not able keep in the ‘no’ that escapes her lips.  
The strangled noises and cries that she’s trying so hard to stop because they will hear. They will worry about her. And they’re already devastated by the loss of their friend.  
But it’s so hard.

It can’t be true. He can’t be gone. It’s just not possible to just resign to that possibility.  
There’s no body. There’s no proof. He has to be alive somewhere. Maybe he’s hurt and scared and he’s trying to get home, to let he say the words back.

She’s up on her feet once again. Opens the door, and turns to John with erratic breaths and crazy eyes. She doesn’t even try to wipe the tears off of her face.  
“How can we know it’s true? Where’s the body? We’ve been through this before John.. maybe he’s not.. really.. How can we trust her? For all we know she might be keeping him somewhere! Trapped, alone, just because she wants to punish him for something he didn’t even do!”

Nyssa shuts her eyes. Still silent.  
John traps her in a hug and whispers soothing words to her ear, trying to calm her down.  
And then she speaks:  
“Oliver Queen fought bravely against the demon, but my father’s sword pierced his heart, and he fell from a cliff.”  
“What?.. No” She shakes her head because she didn’t need to hear that. Her chest feels like someone is stabbing her, and again she can’t breathe.  
John hugs her even tighter and she can feel the movement of his head when he turns to Nyssa, she could feel his rage, probably written all over his face. He doesn’t need to speak the words.  
“Queen was brave, but he was still a boy. He couldn’t win. And she deserved to know.”  
Felicity feels like she’s seeing red, and she will be damned if she will let the woman gloat about his death and disrespect his memory in front of her.  
“HE COULD! YOU DON’T KNOW HIM! AND YOU- YOU DON’T GET TO SAY HIS NAME!”  
She wanted to make her suffer as much as she was suffering. And then it hits her. She already has. With Sara’s death she had been through the same pain.  
And in the end it wasn’t even her fault after all.

“We should have made him stay.” Her words are muffled by the fabric of John’s jacket.  
“You know we couldn’t”  
“We should have found another way.. I- I could have found another way.”  
“Oh no.. You did everything you could Felicity, blaming yourself right now is not right.”  
“You don’t know how right it is.” She lets out with a dark laugh.  
Because she know she won’t ever be able to get over the fact that she didn’t said those words back. The words that might have make him stay. Keep him alive.  
Digg takes her face in his hands  
“What happened?”  
“I- I.. Nothing happened. I mean apart from the fact that he- he died. Alone. Without anyone that- that cared about him.”  
“Felicity.” His tone sounds a lot like the one he used, to call her out while she was babbling.  
It’s enough to break the little control she has left, to crush her heart all over again.  
“He told me, you know. Before he left.. When you left us alone. He told me he loved me and he almost had a smile on his face- and all I can think about is that I’ll never see that smile again. And right now I can’t breathe because the fact that I didn’t say it back is destroying me. Because he-he died alone and maybe he thought that I didn’t-“  
“He knew. Don’t doubt that” John interrupts her and his expression is so certain.

She suddenly draws back. Nyssa is not there anymore. Roy is on the opposite corner of the room, barely keeping it together. John is looking down but she can see his rimmed eyes.  
And she wonders how they’re going to get through this. 

She looks at the hood for the first time in hours, a shivering sob escaping her throat.  
She looks up at John that is handing her Oliver’s blanket, and when his expression mirrors hers, she’s suddenly very afraid that the feeling of warmth won’t be coming back anymore.

**Author's Note:**

> So, since watching last episode all I could think about was how hard it would be for Felicity to find out about Oliver's "death". A couple of different scenarios played in my mind.  
> The things that stuck with me though were, first, in my imagination Digg's was gonna reveal the news her, and call her honey, I don't know why. Also, Roy and Nyssa were there. And least but not last Felicity's reaction would be desperate but still "strong". After thinking a lot about it I also decided to suffer even more because it just reminded me of something I've already seen. And I rewatched Angelina Jolie's performance in "A mighty heart".
> 
> I'm sorry for the mistakes but I'm deep in study for finals right now and I don't have an english beta. But I just needed to write something about it because I couldn't get it off my head.  
> Hope you'll like it! Comments are very welcomed if you got the time, and so are corrections to mistakes!


End file.
